Keeping track of the action at the stock market can be pretty stressful. There’s every stock spiking on the Mainboard, blue whales buying and selling all trading day, and make-or-break investment decisions waiting to be made. Let Spiking help make investing easier by putting the latest updates from the Singapore Exchange right at your fingertips.
Meantime, why not take a moment to enjoy quips “overheard at the annual stockholders’ meeting”. These light-hearted stock market sallies were compiled from Rec. Humor, Call Put, GreekShares.com, Jokes.net, Jokes4us, and the Financial Post.
Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?
A: They’ll add a N to the end of it!
Q: How do you know when stocks are getting cheap?
A: Wall Street is called Wal-Mart Street.
Q: What’s the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying stocks?
A: With a lottery ticket, you help finance the local community swimming pool. With stocks, you help finance the stock promoters’ home swimming pool.
Q: Why is the fall in the stock market not so bad?
A: It won’t be so hard to keep up with the Dow Joneses.
· You know you’ve gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy 10,000 shares in IBM and he asks you how to spell it.
· The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
· October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. (Mark Twain)
Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
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Pizza, A Talking Frog and A Job Interview
· A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it. There, he’s asked, “Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?” The guru replies, “I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.”
· Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog. “Help me!” said the frog. “I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!” The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days, a talking frog is worth much more than a stockbroker!”
· Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA applying for a stockbroker’s position. “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The candidate said, “In the neighbourhood of SGD225,000.00 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 6 weeks’ vacation, 15 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 60% of salary, and a company car leased every two years — say, a red Corvette?” The would-be stockbroker sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the HR Person said, “Certainly, but you started it.”
Fishing for Fun
An investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked, “How long does it take to catch them?” The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”
The banker then asked the fisherman why he didn’t stay out longer to catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The banker then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends. I have a full and busy life.”
The banker scoffed, “I have an MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”
“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.”
“You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to the capital, where you can run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?” To which the banker replied, “15 to 25 years.”
“But what then?” The banker laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”
“Millions…Then what?” The banker said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends.”
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